Okay so not that this matters that much, but I'm going to shift the focus here from strictly horror to any movies I see. I've been doing reviews on Facebook for a while and I enjoy the outlet. So, I figured why not dedicate a blog space to them instead? As I've mentioned, I'm not accredited or anything and I don't consider myself a true critic. I'm just giving my reviews, take it or leave it.

The Saw Franchise

Okay, so I'm not reviewing each movie one by one. Because really, I would review Part One and then just review 2-7 because they're basically the same movie. I'll run through them anyway because that's what this blog is all about.

Overall, Jigsaw will go down as one of the most complex, brilliant and fucked up horror villains of all time.

Part 1 was an original. Let's put two guys in a room with a dead body and see if they can figure out what the fuck is going on. Do you have any idea how difficult this is to pull off? It's fucking hard okay? Trust me, I know from experience(*I've had no experience with this and you should never ever trust me). Little by little they find clues and begin to piece together why they're trapped in this room together with a dead body.

Meanwhile, Danny Glover goes psycho trying to figure out who Jigsaw is and where he is keeping people captive. The cop storyline is necessary in order to get out of the room. Flashbacks with the two main characters also help. We learn that Jigsaw is giving people a way out, a chance to redeem themselves. The chance is dependent upon massive personal sacrifice(usually in the form of some horrific bodily harm, which is where I get my fill of gore/appendage loss).

The story is decent here. It's not as good as say Shawshank Redemption or Children of Men, but it's decent. The acting is better than you'd expect. I'm a fan of the Cary Elwes(Robin Hood: Men In Tights anyone?) but he still has some trouble losing the accent.

Saw changed the game a bit for Horror. It broke the mold, but it also gave way for Torture Porn which I'm not always a fan of. See Saw and check out the sequels if you like, but none compare to the original.

The sequels follow the continuing saga of Jigsaw. Different people help him with his traps for different reasons. After a few movies, things get confusing. The idea of Law Enforecement is reduced down to bumbling people who have no instinct whatsoever. Even the FBI gets involved, but nobody can seem to pin down what's going on.

Part 2 did not have much to do with the overall arc, but it was shot very well, with washed out colors and a great setting. From what I've heard, the script came from a re-purposed script by Darren Lynn Bouseman whom also directed. This film upped the ante in the gore department, but still came nowhere close to the level of the last couple of films. Overall, fun, graphic, nasty little horror movie but not the mental thriller the first film was.

Part 3 did move the story along a bit. We have an ailing Jigsaw looking to make a trap happen in order to prove a point and to test his loyal helper. We're also introduced to Hoffman, whom as we know becomes the successor. We have another jump in gore with one trap turning a guy's body parts and killing him quite graphically. Also, a pointless scene where a woman drills into Jigsaw's head to help relieve pressure on his brain. While medically accurate and better suited for a reality show involving the ER or surgery, pretty fucking pointless for a Saw movie except for shock value. It's worth it to note that Part 4 happens along the same timeline as 3. Part 4 also moves the story along with Lync being the man going on the journey of the traps. Jigsaw dies at the end of 3 and technically 4 as well.

The low point is definitely part 5. Part 5 is unnecessary pile of dogshit and only serves as a shitty, rickety bridge between parts 4 and 6. In 5, Agent Strahm walks around and figures out how each trap went down from previous films in his mind. That's it. Nice job writers, you really couldn't come up with anything clever? "Let's just have this dude walk around and figure shit out, it'll be awesome!" No it won't, it will suck huge, genital elephantitis balls. There's a trap going on, but it's pretty boring and doesn't make much sense. The people involved all needed to die, they sucked. You know you're in trouble when your victims are shallow asswipes that garner zero sympathy from the audience. Even Julie Benz couldn't save this one. The only interesting part for me is the end where Hoffman traps Strahm and Strahm is killed. Strahm was an overacting jerkoff, he knew Hoffma was the guy but it didn't matter. He still needed to walk through every crime scene. Take a gun and blow Hoffmn's fucking brains out, end of story. Hoffman covered everything up and framed Strahm, I'm sure Strahm could have covered uo his shooting and killing of Hoffman. But no, we have this shit-festival instead.

The series improved with part 6. The sixth entry atacked the healthcare industry and actually had something to say. In this trap, Jigsaw is punishing all those who worked to deny his medical claim for an experimental treatment that could save his life.

The writing is sharper, the traps are cool and the film moves the story forward. The directing is a bit pedestrian and clearly, at this point in the series, we just care about being as graphic and gory as humanly possible without actually murdering actors on film. Give me some atmosphere, some real scares. Don't just try to turn my stomach. If I want that, I'll go rent a Rom-Com from the 90's. Having said that, watching victims plead for their lives as a merry-go-round spins around with a shotgun attached to it. Someone has to die and these people truly make you feel like they are really going to die. There's a nice twist in this one at the end, one I did not entirely see coming.

Then we come to the finale. 6 did not do well enough to merit an 8th film, so they decided to make 7 the final film. 7 has the highest body count and is by far the mosr graphic. From people getting destroyed by a car to the famous head snapping trap taking a life, this film somehow managed to grab an "R" rating. Also, shot in 3D, but they took no advantage of that. Just a lot of gore and blood and shitty follow through on a good premise. A guy claims he was saved by Jigsaw but he wasn't and as a result, he has to survive the traps in order to save his wife. Also, Hoffman is up to hisold tricks killing hordes of cops and FBI people to keep them off the trail, but a surprise appearance changes all of that and ends the series. A rushed script, pieced together from a few deas killed a good concept. After the improvement of 6, the filmmakers took a big shit into a pile of puke and rotten vegetables and came out with Part 7.

Overall the Saw franchise was needed. Horror needed a new franchise that could last a few movies and let's face it: we needed a new villain. Jigsaw is smart and isn't just out to slaughter people. There's some thought to this concept and that can go a long way in horror. Most people write-off the Saw movies as just mindless gore and shock value. They aren't though. Give the early films a shot and you'll be pleasantly surprised.

As a last note, the reveal in Saw is amazing. It's a reveal that is right on par with some of the best reveals like Sixth Sense and Shawshank Redemption. Each movie in the series has a reveal and they are decent, but none match the first. Part 6 has an interesting reveal that I did not see coming and Part 4 definitely surprised me but I don't think anyone could have really known what was actually happening. The soundtracks to these films are awesome as well, check them out or fuck off. Either way.

Drive Angry: Shot In 3D

"What's he gonna' do? Not let me back in?"

Just one of the many gems spat out by Nicholas Cage in what should be the award ceremony sweeping film Drive Angry: Shot in 3D.

Look, there's no need to do a long post about how supremely fucking awesome this movie is. It speaks for itself. Nic Cage breaks out of hell to save his grand-daughter. William Fichtner rocks the shit right out of the toilet in his role as the Devil's assistant. Amber Heard plays Cage's ass-kicking sidekick chick that takes no crap from anyone(her white trash boyfriend-scripter Todd Farmer-knocks her around and ends up with a weapon in his eye). Even David Morse makes an appearance and ups the acting credibility a few notches.

Here's a list of things I remember and love so hard about this movie:

-Nic Cage getting ridden by a naked blonde chick while he's fully clothed, in sunglasses and sucking on a stogie. She asks why he is screwing with his clothes on and he says, "I never disrobe before gunplay" and proceeds to blow people away while having sex with her and in 3D. That means bullets and hatchets are coming at you in 3D. Why a hatchet? Why fucking not? It's 3D!! Are you fucking kidding me? No, I'm not. Well, good, I don't like to be kidded.

-Nic Cage awkwardly grabs a waitress and makes out with her. No dialogue, it's just total classic Cage owning the love interest from Eastbound and Down.

-Cage has his eye blown out by a sawed off shotgun. Seriously, eye blown out through the back of his head. I don't care who you are or if you have no sense of humor or anything, that's just fucking awesome. Oh, yeah and it doesn't kill him, it just pisses him off because he's Nic Cage.

Listen, if you're rolled up too tight, or an idiot that protests everything and are permanently attached to your soapbox, or went to film school, don't go see this. Drive Angry is for people who still know how to have fun.

Overall, awesome awesome awesome. And, even better, it's a 3D movie I'd gladly watch over and over as opposed to Avatar. I won't review that movie in this blog, but suffice it to say that I would rather have someone sand my fucking eyeballs for 24 hours straight then ever have to sit through that pile of garbage ever again.

"But Dan, it's beautiful 3D! It's amazing technology!"

I've taken shits on paper that have had better character development and story. I digress. Skip Av-retard and watch Nic Cage own everyone's ass in Drive Angry: Shot in 3D.

Stop Screaming Assholes

"What's your favorite scary movie?" That is a tough question. There's different scary right? You have your slasher movies, your thriller movies, your Grindhouse movies. Shit, too many different types. I wish this jerkoff would call me. I'd talk him to the point of committing suicide, thereby stopping the slasher wheels from going in motion. Horror movies need me involved, they would be a lot shorter but way less interesting. So, maybe they don't need me. Fuck them, they need me.

Anyway, If I were to just review the opening of this movie, seven stars out of four. Awesome. They completely make fun of the slasher franchise idea. Start the movies the same, stupid people getting stabbed repeatedly. Every horror franchise starts out the same and this movie is no different. And because it's the Scream franchise, the opening makes fun of all the fake openings from the movies within the movie. What? Yeah. Awesome.

Cut to the rest of the movie. I have to keep one star in there for the gore and violent murders because they are awesome. Any movie that murders Anthony Anderson by driving a knife into his forehead gets at least one star(Special thanks to The Departed for blowing Anderson's brains out near the end. ***SPOILER ALERT***[yes I know I placed it after the spoiler, too bad.])

Anyway, yes, one star for gore and violence. But nothing else. Shit story, shit plot and a homeless man covered in shit and vomit of a reveal of the killers. Come on, you guys are WAY better than that. By the time the reveal happened, I highfived myself becuse A: I'm awesome and B: that meant the movie was over. No, of course not! The movie kept going.

On one hand, I get it. Craven and Co. were trying to create the "reboot/franchise" satire that hadn't really been done yet. Because of this, they forced themselves to make a shitty movie because on the whole, reboots and remakes can be decent but are never as strong as the original.

As a standalone horror movie, I got my gore/violence rocks off and enjoyed some groovy kills. Some laughs popped up here and there so overall, not bad. For a Scream movie? You guys should be ashamed of yourselves. Word is they were going to do five and six if four did well. It appears four shit the bed. Oh well. See it for fun when it's on the networks that can show a knife driven into Anderson's head.

My Soul To Take A Massive Shit Over Film

Oh, Wes Craven. At this point, Scream 4 has already been released and you slightly redeemed yourself for My Soul To Take.

Okay, where to begin? Let's start with a bunch of dipshit film executives who were eating breakfast at Urth Cafe and said, "Hey! Let's force a legend in horror filmmaking to post-produce his film into 3D, it'll be so awesome, lulz!" Trust me, they did the "lulz" thing.

I would say about 2.7% of this film looked good in 3D. That 2.7% consisted of an ambulance crashing and that's about it. Nothing says, "Fuck yeah 3D!" like a scene in the Principal's office where two people are talking for five minutes. At least cop out and do the basic thing: throw shit directly at the camera. Not shit, but objects. Knives, axes, organs, maybe some boobs. Whatever, just make stuff fly at my face so I duck and go "holy shit that boob almost hit me in the face! Fuck yeah, 3D!".

No, instead we have useless 3D that adds absolutely nothing to the movie. I'm all for horror in 3D(Drive Angry: Shot in 3D, My Bloody Valentine 3D), but this was just terrible.

On to the movie. A bunch of kids are born premature when a man with multiple personalities dies. One of these personalities is a killer and has been born into one of these kids. Eighteen years later, they start getting picked off by a guy in a costume with a pretty cool knife.

Cool premise, supremely shitty execution. The only thing I found interesting was a social structure in the high school. There's a group of bitchy teenaged girls that run the show and hand down punishments for different infractions.

The lead character, Bug, thinks he might be the killer. Obviously, he isn't because that would be way too interesting and creative. Instead, it's some other dipshit kid that nobody would ever suspect because of how small and pussy-like he is.

The kills were boring and mediocre. The only kill that was funny involed the kid that hands out punishments for the girls. He got a girl pregnant and as he's being stabbed, the killer asks "Any Goodbyes?" and he says "Yes, to my unborn child". The killer finishes his business and says, "Fuck your unborn fucking child". I think we all know why this is hilarious and none of my explanation is necessary. Good job killer. That idiot jock would make a terrible father and would probably eventually abandon his family when he finally accepted his homosexuality.

All in all, it's sad to see such a mistake from Wes Craven. Maybe he's really losing that horror edge he had for so many years. Scream 4 was marginally better than this movie. More on that later. Skip this one, unless it's on HBO or something, so you can see all the blood.

The Rite Goes The Wrong Way

It's important to setup your characters. You need to establish them and generate some sympathy. Many horror films get it completely wrong(My Soul To Take, I'm looking at you, you pile of dog shit, post on that later), but some do a good job(Frailty, original Halloween). That said, you shouldn't take nearly 40 minutes to setup one character. You also shouldn't keep your marquee actor off-screen for 40 minutes. That could be considered cinematic suicide.

The Rite is apparently "inspired" by real events. In reality, it's based on a book(itself possibly more fiction than fact) which was fictionalized further into this movie. So, what we get is a plot that probably contains small pieces of a real story that has already been exaggerated. Basically, ask any college-aged dude for a story from his weekend and you'll get the same accuracy.

I don't feel like hashing out the plot. Due to the drawn out beginning, I could spend an entire fucking post on the main character's back story. Suffice it to say this: young priest questions his belief in God and takes an exorcism course, witnesses exorcisms, still doesn't believe and eventually has to exorcize his mentor. Oh, but guess what? If he doesn't believe, he can't defeat the demon. Ouu, got me there! I never saw that one coming.

"But Dan, there must be something good about it, Hollywood wouldn't do that to me!" You sound like a forgiving victim of spousal abuse. Yes, Hollywood will do that to you and they did it right here.

Hopkins is great as usual. Even when he's cashing a check to remodel his flat in England or whereever, he still rocks it. Too bad he's absent for 40 minutes and then has to drag his acting chops through absolute dreck for the rest of the movie. His best moment by far is when he slaps a young girl because, honestly, how often will you get to see a demonic Anthony Hopkins slap a child?

Overall, a complete misfire and missed opportunity to do some real scary stuff. Let's see more body contortions, more blood an a lot more vulgarity. Basically, let's see this movie be more like my first sexual encounter.

The Human Centipede

First off, let's get something out of the way. There are plenty of fucked up, sick and twisted horror movies out there. The fact that this one has garnered so much publicity and stirred up so much controversy is beyond me. I get it, the premise is supremely screwed up and twisted. So what? Do you really think three people surgically strung together is more fucked up than a human being eating other human beings? Oh yeah, and by the way? Silence of The Lambs is inspired by real people. Yeah, cannibalism is real. The Human Centipede is purely based on theory. Also, it's a hilariously maniacal premise. At the end of the day, it's so over the top, it's funny. So, get over yourselves and realize that it's no more fucked up than most other horror movie premises.

The movie follows a couple of American Girls in Germany, there to party it up. While en route, their car becomes incapacitated, obviously. They leave the car in the woods and end up at the mad doctor's house. He drugs them, kidnaps them and reveals his maniacal plan to create a human centipede. He performs the surgery and the human centipede is born, but not without some fights and nosy detectives.

I had the distinct opportunity to see this film with one of the actors giving an introduction and doing Q/A afterward. He was excited, positive and super proud of his performance, which he should be. Kudos to him, the guy rocked his part hard. Apparently, he thought it was a raunchy sex movie he signed up for. After the screening, he gave great answers and was friendly with everyone that approached him. It's hard to walk away disliking a movie after an experience like that.

The movie itself has maybe 2-3 minutes of gross centipede material. There was one scene in particular that almost turned my stomach. That's it though. The rest of the movie consists of setting up the two female characters, the doctor luring them in and capturing them, the doctor making the human centipede do mundane things like fetch the paper and then detectives catching on and the climax. If anything, I would describe the film as slow moving and a bit boring. From what I've read/heard, the second film is supposed to go much, much further. I hope so, because I think I'd rather watch old people walk up and down stairs than sit through this pace again.

Also, it's a lot funnier than you'd think. I was laughing quite a bit due to the flamboyant and crazy performance of Dieter Laser as the mad doctor. Talk about over the top. The guy overstated every little movement he made and punched every line of dialogue. At one point, he needs to break a window to get back into his house. He uses a rifle to do it and his body movements had me chuckling. I can only imagine how nutty the guy was on set.

In the end, the movie plays out as it should. We don't get hit with any crazy twists and it ends almost realistically. There's some gore and violence in the climax, but almost none of it has to do with the centipede. Also, the movie is, in an opposite sort of way, medically accurate. I say this because people complain that there's no way it's medically accurate. Hey, tightwad, maybe watch the movie before making a comment like that. It's people like you that annoy the hell out of me. It's like the groups that got upset with Tropic Thunder for the fake movie Simple Jack. Thunder was making fun of hollywood not retarded people you jackasses. Watch the movie and use your brain instead of jumping on a soapbox without looking.

I can't put my stamp of approval on this movie, but not because it's too graphic and disgusting. No, it's too slow moving and boring. Great horror premise, average execution, great performances from Dieter Laser and Akihiro Kitamura. Unfortunately, great performances aren't enough to save a boring, tame horror movie.